Cory Monteith.

 I’m sure I am merely only adding to a sea of other social media blogs & tweets when I write about Cory.  I have meant to for a long time.  Finally here; finally writing.

It’s different to address him by first name.  It feels closer, and more personable.  I honestly didn’t even know his real name before his passing.  But I was on facebook the evening that Glee’s male star passed away, a character the TV series practically revolves around, and I  saw a good friend of mine post the news up for the death of a Glee celebrity.  There wasn’t a link she provided that had a face to a name, but because he was someone from the series, I got curious and googled him, staring in shock as the image of Finn popped up on my screen.

Distraught, I added to the viral wave, finding a link with the same news, which included Cory’s picture, to post on fb.  Text messages from my best friend popped up on my cell phone right away, almost within 2 minutes.  She said her heart stopped when she saw my post on her news feed, because in that image, he had looked so vibrant. So alive.  So contradicting to the reality of the news.  I said, I know.  We were both affected, and very sad.

I heard my sister come out of the shower and ran to tell her while she was only wrapped in a towel.  Her gasp was deep, and she brought her hand to her mouth. She exclaimed that he had been going to rehab, and that things had seemed to be getting better.

I hadn’t known that.  I hadn’t known anything about him, really.  I didn’t know that he was really dating his Glee co-star, Lea Michele.   It was all news that I found online, and heard over the radio stations, for the days leading to his autopsy.

I was so sad.   So sad for him, and I felt a loss from the bottom of my heart that affected me every time I saw a family member who watched and enjoyed Glee.  I would approach and ask them- did you know…?

I never followed the series with the same fervor that my sister, my elementary school cousins, and the rest of the world held for all the years that Glee has been in the running.  Knowing this nonchalant attitude I had about the show itself, my sister thoughtfully commented, “I’m surprised that you are so affected by this.   I didn’t know that you were so attached to his character.”  It was my sister that pushed me to listen and watch the Glee clips on Youtube when the show first came out.

I responded to her by saying, “I am not attached to his character.  I am attached to his music.”

She understood.

And that is where the most profound feeling of loss springs from.  To lose someone who brings so much music to our hearts, who touches us with both the melancholy and the joy of every song rendition that Glee is so well known for.  I never cared for the plot of this show, but the music.  The music.

To me, Cory was the first true star that came to fame in my generation that has now passed.  I am old enough to have caught onto the understanding in the loss of Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, etc.  But Cory is different.  He is one of us. …Was one of us.

And young. Too young.

I used to listen to his voice (amongst many others on the Glee case) on repeat Youtube clips when I was cleaning the kitchen, choosing outfits, applying makeup.  I brought along a season of Glee’s soundtrack on a brand new CD when I moved out of my house for a year.  Trudging into a dismal staff residency at the hotel I worked for, I blasted Cory’s music to lift my mood and to ease the unfamiliarity of my surroundings.

I haven’t listened to a single Glee song since his death.  I have a CD in my room belonging to my sister that I dare not play.  I am afraid to hear his voice because that is a whole new pain that has yet to hit.  To hear someone so close in your vicinity, singing through the CD player next to your desk- dead.  I am still grieving.

Another girlfriend of mine posted a status of facebook that I thoroughly understood.  This had been about two to three weeks after he had gone.  And she said that, she had been listening to Glee and it hit her again that Cory had died.  She said that she had to turn off, because it made her sick to the stomach.

Sick to the stomach.

It was not until this event that I realized how much our hearts are touched by people who sing to a tune and possess a voice that we like. Music brings our world to a different element.  We would not be the same without it.  We would still have laughter, still have conversation, but our world would be otherwise silent.  We need music.  It is a dimension of life that transports us elsewhere, on the spot.

Three weeks ago, a month almost since his passing, I was in the downtown area and decided to walk past the Fairmont Pacific Rim, where Cory had died while staying in town.  I had heard on the radio that a lot of people had in his memory, arrived and left things for him outside the hotel.  So I wanted to go, even if the memorabilia wasn’t there anymore.  I just wanted to have a moment to think of him under the cursive font type on the wall which said Fairmont, the signature look for this hotel.

It was much to my surprise as I approached the front doors to realize they were still there.  A long line of flowers, of pictures from coloured printers, wreaths, and messages left against the wall, colouring the pavement.

I had posted a song that starred Cory’s music a few blogs back.  It was from a Youtube clip that I know has now been removed due to copyright issues.  Perhaps one day, I will edit it and post a link that has its song still up and running.  For now, I will only think of his voice and song in memory.  I am still too sad and too scared to play it.  But I know that someday down the road, I will find the courage and the desire to reconnect to his music.  Just not right now.

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