On Living Longer.

Yesterday morning, I had one of my favorite radio shows turned on as usual for my morning commute to work. The female host asked her male co-host to share his thoughts on how to live longer. He said: “Say I’m sorry. Say I’m sorry to your friends and family, people you care about. And forgive people. This will take a massive weight off your shoulders.”

I was surprised to hear this piece of advice. I have said I’m sorry. I haven’t always received forgiveness. The last biggest sorry I gave, it took me almost 10 years of courage to say it. We’re not friends anymore.

And what about – forgiving?

I do hold grudges. I have been petty for most of my life, especially when I was younger. There are some people who I don’t think I can forgive. And even if I forgave them, I don’t want to be friends anymore. So- did I really forgive?

I forgave the person who broke my heart, but not the person who broke my pride. It almost doesn’t make sense. Almost.

Forgiving is hard. It’s another form of letting go that I haven’t really mastered. Will I get over some of these? Sometimes, I get offended and hurt.  It doesn’t happen often these days, because we are all older now.  We treat each other differently.  We expect more of ourselves.  We’ve learnt how to give more of ourselves.  But in the past, when this happened,  I might unfriend that person on facebook, and when they friend request me back after a few years, I struggle with whether to be better than this. To get over it. And to re-accept the friend request.   …   This has never happened. I have never gotten over it.

Anger and resentment is a weight. Why do I choose to keep this with me? Why can’t I be better than this?

I don’t know.  This is hard.

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